...

1 of 239

Contraband

I needed to post this story before I forgot. I’ve had a lot of interesting work stories in the last two days. 

Before I get started, I’d like to mention that my workplace is extremely strict on contraband. Meaning, anything that can be used to copy or record sensitive information. We are not allowed pens, paper, cell phones, and other like items on the production floor. Hell, we can’t even have food.

That said, my coworkers and I were getting ready to go available for calls and chats. 

Coworker one: “Do you have scissors?”

Coworker two: “No”

Coworker one: “Does anyone have scissors?”

Me: “Dude, we can’t have scissors. That’s contraband”

Coworker one: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because we could use the scissors to carve account numbers on our arms”

Coworker three: “Or slit our wrists”

Me: “That’s also why we can’t have food on the floor. We might sharpen a Dorito and attack someone”

Me: “Death by Dorito”

Me: “Write that down”

Me: “That’s an excellent band name”

Coworker three: “Mad Dog and the Doritos”

Me: “I almost like that name better”

FIN

Image found here.

3 hours ago with 2 notes

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your…”:

Hahahahaha if your coworkers ever meet me, I think they will kill me and then burn my carcass, to make sure I’m dead. The last thing they needed was somebody giving you even MORE mischievous ideas xD Nope, not sorry!! xDDD

Naw, they’re very good sports. She hasn’t responded to my question yet, though. I’ll fucking die if she had a puppy surprise as a child.

4 hours ago with 1 note

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your…”:

Yeah and you’d probably feel even worse if that animal died because of a mistake you made. Vets tell me this has happened to them all = || Vets are special people…they really are. Not many people could be them.

Well said. Major shout out to all the vets.

4 hours ago with 4 notes

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your post: “ majinspiders replied to your…”:

I think almost every animal lover goes through a period where they consider being a vet lol I know I did. I was sad to find out how horribly fucked up the profession is. =/ || And I think there’s a lot less rednecks in small animal practice.

Very true, I think most people who love animals have at least thought about being a vet. I’d be so sad if I failed to save an animal. I wouldn’t be cut out for shit like that.

5 hours ago with 1 note

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “ powderblue22 replied to your post: “Dog Parts”: In horses and cows…”:

I had several Kitty Surprise dolls when I was little. It was the sole reason that, for years, I thought babies come directly out the belly and not through the vajayjay xD When my error finally dawned on me, I felt stupid xD

Whoa, you just gave me an idea. Maybe the reason why my coworker was confused is that she owned one of these as a child? 

I’m gonna go ask.

5 hours ago with 1 note

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “Dog Parts”:

In horses and cows you actually can detect pregnancy this way. You can fit your whole arm up their ass. Anyhoo, the uterus is right under the rectum and you can feel it from within there.

Ah! I knew my method wasn’t too far away from the truth. Not for chihuahuas, though.

While I was at work, I realized I should have used this image for the post instead.

6 hours ago with 2 notes

 powderblue22 replied to your post: “ majinspiders replied to your post: “Dog Parts”: Clearly your calling…”:

Being a vet sucks, anyways. Long hours, bad pay, and you get chewed out by pet owners, all day long -_- Plus you’ll have like $150,000 in student loan debt that you may not live long enough to pay off.

Ugh. Fun fact, I actually wanted to be a vet once. I went to a school (this was high school, not college) that focused on agribusiness and equine science. I lost interest when I saw how much you had to learn and how little the pay actually was. Also, there were too many rednecks.

6 hours ago with 2 notes

 majinspiders replied to your post: “Dog Parts”:

Clearly your calling in life was to be a vet! 100% medically accurate! XD

Right on! Personally, I wouldn’t trust myself with a goldfish.

20 hours ago with 3 notes

Dog Parts

I’d like to preface this particular story with the fact that I DO NOT really think that the method I describe is accurate in any way. I’m just being stupid.

A coworker was telling us that she wasn’t sure if her dog was fat or pregnant. Apparently, either could be true. 

Me: “Here’s what you do to find out if your dog is pregnant”

Coworker one: “Okay”

Me: “First, you take your finger”

Coworker: “Oh god”

Me: “And slide it gently into the dog’s rectum so as to not damage any potential puppies”

Coworker one: “Should I be doing this?”

Me: “Then you work a second finger in there”

Coworker three: “…”

Me: “Until eventually you get your entire hand in there”

Coworker one: “But she’s a chihuahua”

Me: “Great. Then you kinda gyrate your hand around. If you feel lumps are are puppies, then she’s pregnant. If you feel teeth, then you’ve gone too far in. Abort mission”

So, after this incredibly uncomfortable conversation carried on for a few more minutes, one coworker (coworker three) popped her head over the cube and said:

"Dogs don’t poop out babies?"

Silence.

Me: “Wait. Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Wait. What? Are you kidding?”

Coworker one: “Did you think that dogs don’t have reproductive organs like we do?”

Me: “Dude, you just had a baby”

Coworker: “I didn’t have puppies!”

Me: “Wow”

FIN

1 day ago with 4 notes

 thesilvercolonel replied to your post: “ thesilvercolonel replied to your post: “ thesilvercolonel replied to…”:

I actually have an autograph from Kane! My dad was on duty one time when the WWE was in town and he knew that Kane was my favorite wrestler. I’ll have to scan it and send it to you sometime :D

WHOA! That’s flippin’ SWEET!

1 day ago with 1 note

 thesilvercolonel replied to your post: “ thesilvercolonel replied to your post with a photo: I think it’s…”:

The Kane hug gifs are the best :)

They are literally my favorite gifs. And look! I found a new one!

1 day ago with 2 notes

 majinspiders replied to your post: “I think it’s kinda weird that I lost five followers in a week. Oh,…”:

They probably didn’t have a designated party buddy to keep them safe, partied TOO HARD, and had to leave tumblr to recover.

Oh, no! Maybe they didn’t hear the tragic story of Lieutenant Skittles! Poor Skittles. 

1 day ago with 2 notes

 thesilvercolonel replied to your post with a photo: I think it’s kinda weird that I lost f…

1 day ago with 2 notes